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13 November 2005 @ 12:20 pm

so i'm legal. and i'm fucking lovin' it.

this is only the beginning.

kiss my ass.

Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: tainted love - marilyn manson
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24 October 2005 @ 08:59 pm

i was reading my past entries and i had no idea i was so laaaaaame.


and my emo-ness.. ohmigaaaad. nakakahiya. please kill me now. as in now na. PLEASE LANG.

or not.

i'm not gonna lie. i still think about him. hello! pero kanina lang ako naliwanagan.

i'm getting letters from universities in spain and new york kaya. they want me to study there. kahit two years lang daw basta i will be kind enough to bless them with my fabulous presence. oh diba taray! and the UC office of admission sent me this huge ass package saying i'm already accepted even if i haven't applied yet. ano ba yan. and some company in new york wants to interview me at this hotel pa so they can pay for the rest of my ridiculously expensive college expenses daw. hello, talo pa ang sugar daddy ha.

hindi kaya ng powers ko. tapos i have this list of sophisticated, cosmopolitan men wanting to bang me. like, yeah. i'm not being a total stuck up biatch. it's not my fault i'm hot shit. but my point is..


shit. i'm so martyr. kris aquino i finally understand you. masarap magpakagaga in the name of love!


i can't wait to turn 18. as in hindi nako makatulog, makakain at makaligo. joke. wala lang. 17 was fun kaso i think i'm still holding back. ewan. basta. i'm so confoosed. i need a total makeover. hindi sa mukha ko gaga, sa buhay ko. i feel so.. blah. kasalanan ni ano 'to eh, he left me drained. alam mo un, parang sa kanta ng coldplay. you love someone but it goes to waste. i seriously think he was my first intense real love. yung totoo talaga. ung dati kasi, mga puro ano lang eh, ung.. mahal ko siya kasi mahal niya ko. diba? ung akala mo mahal mo, but truth is, it's just your subconscious wanting to compensate. we accept the love we think we deserve. it's not our fault we're all secretly afraid of being alone. it's not our fault we're a bunch of insecure pussies hungry for actual human connection. i used to have this theory waaay back that love had no divine, mysterious elements.. that it was just this man-made romanticized justification for our evolutionary impulses. purely biological.

well, i'm okay na. i think. ewan. i think it's healthy na nagpapakatotoo ako. the hurt is gone, but there's still that longing. know what i mean? i'm not afraid of baring my weakness. it's what makes me.. me. and.. parang when he was gone, may nawala narin sa sarili ko. like, last week.. bumalik ulit tong david sa buhay ko. all of a sudden. it was unexpected coz i rejected him a long time ago. we talk for hours, and to be honest, he's a good guy. he's not everything i want, but he's definitely genuine. tipong what you see is what you get. he's attractive, intelligent, blah blah.. but ewan. i can't seem to make myself fall for him. and that's what's killing me. i'm scared na nawalan nako ng ganang magmahal. as in ever. uy ang drama noh? pero it’s true. this one guy din from way back called me last saturday. really sweet. he’s still interested, but i just felt so dead inside while talking to him.. even though he was this nice, interesting person. ano ba. what’s wrong with me?

these are just random thoughts i needed to get out. when i say i can’t wait to turn 18 i think it’s partly coz i want to leave all these behind. start a blank new slate. what the hell, i’m young and i charm men with my sly wit.. i have this whole life ahead of me. i still have to move to new york, make independent films, assist in cancer research, manage an underground literary press, have scandalous love affairs, backpack throughout south america, teach english in somalian villages…

but then there are just these times i think about him and wonder if he has someone new.. and then i assure myself that he will never find anyone else who will make him laugh like i do.. but then after that fragile, fleeting moment of self-delusion, i snap back to reality and realize i’m pathetic and i need to let it go…

but i’d rather not.

Current Mood: bakla
Current Music: dramarama - anything, anything
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19 October 2005 @ 03:47 pm

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

High up above or down below
when you're too in love to let it go
but If you never try you'll never know
Just what your worth

Lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears streaming down your face and I

Tears streaming down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

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16 October 2005 @ 05:32 pm

so friday night we went to go clubbing at the boulevard in el cajon. it was supposed to be the official cd release party for this dj from OC. it fucking sucked: kili kili crowd, kili kili djs, kili kili music scene. can you say ghetto? all the guys wore pseudo-pimp sunglasses IN THE FUCKING DARK which i'm sure were all shoplifted from the most bakya flea market; white baseball caps turned to the side; and ridiculously huge, fake ass bling. the girls were a bunch of ugly skanks who would argue with their boyfriends when they themselves are blatantly dryhumping other cholitos. stupid. we left after 45 minutes. if they turned the fog machine on all night we would've partied longer.

walking the streets of el cajon is even a bigger drag. you get honked and yelled at just because they like your ass.

then we hung out at downtown san diego. the white bread crowd that shifted from meaty tattooed gangstahs to slim, abercrombie and fitch clad blondies. i got hit on.. twice. this one dude wanted me and my friend to sit on his lap. you can sit here ladies. perv, patuli ka muna! then this half laotian dude wanted to give me his number. most disgusting pick up line ever: do you want my pimp juice? GROSS.

then saturday night i went to jo's party. the acoustic jamming session was cool. by 11pm we drove to the haunted hotel at the gaslamp quarter which was insaaane. the last part was fucking creepy coz we entered this room, there were two masked dudes revving their chainsaws while walking closer so we ran for the exit door but ended up getting locked and cornered in this dark, cramped closet. LMAO. pussies.


it was late at night and the streets were desolate, except for us. you were walking me home and we were laughing our asses off as we reminisced about the night we just had. earlier you told me you're amazed by how even if i'm so beautiful i don't seem to know it. we don't have a past but the mile that we walked together that night made up for all those moments unmade, words unspoken. 2 years ago there was that possibility you offered but i refused.. i still don't really feel anything.. but i lay in bed that night thinking, wondering.. what if..

i woke up the next day from a sex dream with you. FUCK. i haven't had one since january! but that was different because it was about me and my english teacher and i swear, it's perfectly validated because if I could bottle the sexual tension between me and mr. crawford, i could solve the energy crisis.

but a sex dream with you? what the hell is my bloody subconscious telling me?

Current Mood: exanimateexanimate
Current Music: in between days - the cure
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09 October 2005 @ 12:05 am

i finally gave dave a callback today. dave, the 28-year-old indie filmmaker guy. he said he wants to be my boyfriend. ok, that was fast. he also had the guts to say, let's start dating on your 18th birthday so it's not illegal when i touch you. how fucked up is that?

speaking of turning 18 soon, i chose to not have that traditional debut. my parents are just gonna give me $1,000. i'm donating $100 to AFRICARE, this nonprofit organization that focuses on basic education and emergency humanitarian aid in africa. hey, i don't have the best life but i feel blessed enough. i just hope my donation makes a difference. somehow.

i'm still clueless on what to do with the rest of the money. i want to go skydiving, get a tattoo, have a weekend road trip to cabo san lucas, get the ultimate spa treatment, hit rave parties at LA, buy the hippest stuff, have a one night stand with a famous rockstar, smoke the best weed i can afford.. all in one crazy month.

i think i deserve it.

Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
Current Music: kaiser chiefs - i predict a riot
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08 October 2005 @ 12:20 am

he once told me,

the best things are unexpected.


but then, so are the worst.

so i woke up today at 6:42 am, took a shower, and went to class 30 minutes late. i swear, i'm always late for everything. but it's gotten worse this year. i've been failing all my tests, showing up half an hour late, and just being 'whatever' with my life. the tragic irony is that my current ranking based on the previous semester.. is #4. #4 out of 292. grade point average is 4.29. fucking awesome. i almost feel smart. ;p

so i didn't eat breakfast, but when i showed up to french class 30 minutes late, i ended up walking out with the best cold coffee in the world. yes, cheap cold coffee = good. another little quirk. then later that day i was running errands as a counselor office aide, by the time i was done and walking back, this one guy who hung out near the library stared at me while mouthing the words.. she's so hot to his friend. OKAY. got out of school at 12:10 pm, had one of those 'emo' lunches with janice where i cried my heart out to her.. about him (yes, i'm a sap) and how inspite the fact that i am this sharp-tongued bakla, i am actually more human than everybody else. kinda like one of those sex and the city conversations. it was soothing. she basically told me.. only time will tell. i hate it when she's right.

she also spilled a dirty little secret. she's in love with R.. who i dumped two years ago. funny.

then by 3pm, i headed with my two other homies to coronado island. we went jetskiing around the entire bay for 2 hours. THE COOLEST THING. crazy times. we reached past the bridge and i hit maximum speed when we were smack in the middle of this strong wave zone. we even raced with the motorboats, gave the finger to the people in seaport restaurants, and yelled 'i love you' to every sailor we passed by. SLUTS. haha. oh yeah, the jetski instructor was joking around with me and then he asked for my name and asked if i was russian. my friend was like, you just want to know her name. LMAO. oh yeah, we also got lost in the island. ;p

got back home at 6:30 pm, i was walking to the apartment and i turned around because i heard some noise. i saw a bunch of guys waving from the upper window and yelling "daaammmmnnn girl!". OKAY. took a rest for 30 minutes, called edna, and arranged a starbucks date for saturday afternoon. then i went to the homecoming football game at southwest at 7:30. nothing beats good ol' high school tradition. eating cheap hot dogs, nachos with jalapenos, sitting in the cramped bleachers, booing the rival school, doing the wave, cheering our lungs out. i ran into a bunch of people including april, stacey's hot sister. she yells 'i love you kathy' whenever she sees me. i love it. hah.

WE WON. 39-6, bitches. beat that!

it's 1:30am. my legs are sore. i'm sunburnt. but it's all goooooood.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: get right remix - jlo + fabolouso
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05 October 2005 @ 10:12 pm

so this david guy's pretty persistent. i'm not taking him too seriously, but he just calls too much even though i never pick up. i admit it was fun at first, the flirting and everything. i call him 'pedophile' and i'd say stuff like, i'm a minor, don't corrupt me! he'd say, i'll try though it'll be hard if you're wearing that skirt. LMAO. we tease each other about how his wife might catch what's going on between us...

of course he's not married. and i'm not a slut.

he recently got offered a job as a bouncer at this gay bar but since he's such a homo magnet that even guy bartenders at clubs blow him a kiss.. he took a pass. damn. it would've been cool to date a bouncer. hah.

and there's this other guy, dave. he's 28, and is an indie filmmaker. he left voicemail on my phone last monday but i haven't called him back since i was sick as &*^% with high fever and sore throat all weekend. i don't even know why i gave him my number. blah.

what is up with me and older men? god i just remembered. my 30-something married high school counselor is always, always hitting on me. even my mother was like, i don't like the way he talks to you. it's hilarious.

maybe it's just a phase. i mean i'm turning 18 on november, bitches. i won't be forbidden fruit anymore. bwahaha.


i was at my AP biology class and these two sophomores were so funny. one of them, jonathan, who i never talked to before in my life, told me that he's been watching me for a year now. putcha stalker! sobrang gulat ko that he knows details about my life. then this other dude who was sorta cute but geeky made awkward attempts at conversation. i just sarcastically laugh at him. i think he got offended. lol.

nerds are so cute when they're in love with you. with their braces, tacky hairstyles, puppy dog eyes. haha. when they run into you at the hallway, kulang na lang maglaway habang tinitingnan ka. and when they finally have the guts to talk to you, parang big accomplishment na for them. so cute. tsk.

can't wait for the weekend. i'm going jetskiing!


Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: idioteque (live) - radiohead
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30 September 2005 @ 11:46 pm

isn't it funny how truth is always stranger than fiction?

just a random thought.

so yesterday i ditched school, hopped on a train, and went to SDSU. his college. don't fucking ask me why. on the way there i kept telling myself that i was going because i wanted to check out the library, that i wanted to hang out with old friends, that i wanted to see what the crowd was like, that what the hell i'm going because i fucking can..

but deep down I KNOW, it was coz there was still that part of me secretly hoping.

secretly hoping that i might be wrong.

and he will come back to me.

goddamn i know that sounded like the most pathetic thing on the planet but i'm usually this frigid bitch and now look at me. welcome to martyrville, kathy. this place will suck the life out of you.

this guy david was calling me like 5 times and i never picked up. when i got home, i grabbed a budweiser and then drunk dialed his phone 30 minutes later. we talk for an hour and i was just cracking up the whole time. this 26-year-old was flirting with me. it's funny, he was asking me what kind of guys i like, and if i would mind dating someone older. WOW I AM JAIL BAIT. but then i just went with the flow because for now i am in no mood for anything serious. by 10pm i had to hang up.. uh, im pretty wasted so i'm gonna go now  kthanxbye. 1 minute later he sends a text message saying good night, and that i had an interesting way of saying goodbye. i lay in bed and smirked. this boy likes me. i can have a little fun with him... but i don't feel a thing.

and it's just not the same. 

Current Mood: emo
Current Music: too young - phoenix
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28 September 2005 @ 08:40 pm

so what's up with me?

this whole month was just insane. growing pains! kaya nga natatawa ko pag naririnig ko ung kanta ng green day na 'wake me up when september ends' kasi i just want this whole month to be over para naman magkaroon na ng closure sa aking mga pighati. naks, ang arte noh. wala lang.

let's see. ano ba chismis? weird things happened. one time, when this month just started, i woke up at noon and then went out to get my nails done for a big LA party the following night. then i went to jack in the box for a quick lunch kasi i was starving to death. i ordered an oreo cookie shake and a spicy chicken sandwich to take out.. and while waiting in line.. this guy who i noticed na laging tumitingin eh nagsimula ng conversation. he made some comment about how long the line was. ako naman siyempre polite ever kaya tumatango na lang. ayun, small talk for 5 minutes. he looked like he was in his early 40s. next thing i know he asks me out on a date! binigay pa sakin calling card niya! putcha buti i was calm enough not to laugh in his face. he's old enough to be my tatay noh! wala lang, naloloka ako. nung tiningnan ko ung card niya, trabaho niya pala eh cartographer. tiga gawa ng mapa! waging pick up line un for him ah.. excuse me miss are you lost? bwahahaha!

this reminds me. one time i was at starbucks with my friend janice. katatapos lang namin panoorin ung 'charlie and the chocolate factory'.. then these two 20-something guys just started hitting on me! when a random little boy started coming to our table.. para maglaro or manggulo.. biglang humirit ung isang guy.. that's how hot you are.. even little boys can't resist... kaso lalong hindi ko pansinin lalong hihirit. to the point hindi ko na mahandle so i just said in a sorta loud tone.. janice do you want to go now? o diba taray ng lola mo. ayun, the guys took a hint and they said sila na lang daw aalis. they said bye and we thought they were gone.. minutes passed and nakita namin sila sa kotse paikot ikot.. just watching us! kakatakot kaya! so we ran and hid at this cingular store. hehe.

what else? the LA party was cool. i met this guy, although i forgot his name, i heard from someone that he went to the party just to see me kasi my cousin was blabbing that i was the coolest chick ever. naks. he's 27. he went to harvard, has a degree in architecture, loves rocknroll and moshing and stuff like that. everything was going well, until i asked him.. so what do you think about the smashing pumpkins? when he said.. oh they're okay.. i lost interest and ignored him the whole night. haha. no one.. NO ONE.. calls SP mediocre!

after that, some of the people told me to go to room 725 for the midnight after party. so i went with my friend. lots of alcohol and wasted college boys. everyone was below 21 though. when they found out i was only 17 and my friend was 15.. barely legal.. they got so excited and offered to mix our drinks. i was like, no thanks kaya.. i'd rather grab my own bottle. there's no fucking way i'm gonna touch what they mixed for me. it was fun kasi everytime security would knock on the door everyone would shut up, hide the keg, act sober. haha. hours later, two wasted people slipped out of the party, went to the room next door and had sex.. with a camcorder. eww.   

what else? i went to a football game the other week with stacey. met scott. stacey apologized that all her friends were flirting with me the whole night. haha. scott was like.. i'd like to take you to a moonlit walk on the beach. i just laughed and he was all.. what's wrong with me? i say.. i have a boyfriend. he gets his phone, pretends to call someone, says.. hi can you do something for me? can you beat up kathy's boyfriend so i can be her man? LMAO it was so funny. he wanted to call me hot lips. it was so funny, he was telling stacey.. you know what, i'll dump you for her. ahhhh, friday night flings.. ;)

lastly..september.. nainlab lab lab. :) i know it's all over.. at one point i felt like dying, constantly playing 'love hurts' on my radio.. (i know, how cheesy!) but then in a snap i just moved on. it was funny, i'm usually this big crybaby that bawls over the simplest, dumbest crap. but then some dude broke my heart and i couldn't even shed a tear. all i felt was that something stronger than gravity was pulling me down. siguro the pain was so much more deeper for something as human as tears could vaguely express. kanina i woke up at 4am and that's when i realized i'm over him. slowly i made it. slowly i can listen to radiohead's 'true love waits' (our song) without wanting to curl up and die. slowly there's no longer that sinking feeling in my heart when im haunted by his absence. i know deep down i still miss him.. his laugh, how he calls me beautiful, how he's so goddamn corny it makes me squeal, how he sings to me in this awfully cute voice.. sigh.. it's always those little things that kill me sometimes..but i guess some things are just not meant to be.

enough of the drama. friday night i'm going to a rave. my friend's friend just asked her if i had a boyfriend. and this one guy wants to take me out for coffee. THERE IS LIFE AFTER HEARTBREAK PEOPLE.

but then...

If I could just be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted all the time..

Current Mood: lazylazy
Current Music: fake plastic trees - radiohead
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24 September 2005 @ 06:36 pm
these are one of those nights when all i want to do is spontaneously self-destruct.

i should've known better.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Current Music: i know it's over - the smiths